What a difference a day makes..
Last Sunday was a wonderful day of celebration with the Toekomsrus Church of the Nazarene. They finally have their own Church Building after 43 years of meetings in schools, borrowed halls and a garage. It was day filled with singing, dedication of the building, celebration, honoring those who worked so hard to make the church what it has become and casting a vision for the future. You can see the story and some videos and pictures here. We also had a wonderful time of fellowship over lunch following the service.
But Sunday evening our joy turned to worry and by Monday afternoon our worries turned to sorrow. On Sunday I was 7 weeks pregnant. We had begun talking about the new baby and how our lives would change. We had nick named the baby Peanut. We were teaching Peter to say big brother. On Sunday evening I began to bleed a little. I was worried but knew that some bleeding was normal. We already had the 8 week appointment schedule for the following day. During the night the bleeding and cramping got worse and my worry grew. During the night Peter also spiked a fever and was clearly not well. So as soon as the clinic opened Monday morning we took him to find he had tonsillitis. After we filled his prescriptions we headed back home to love on our little boy and wait for our appointment. I continued to have bleeding and see-sawed between knowing I was losing the baby and hoping for a miracle. Finally it was time for the appointment. We met with the doctor, talked some about the symptoms and then went in for the exam. The doctor found the baby quickly but as much as she tried she could not find a heartbeat. Our fears were realized.
We had tried for a year to get pregnant with Peter and again another year with Peanut. We had ridden the emotional roller coaster ride of getting the monthly visitor and false hopes when said visitor is a few days late. So when the pregnancy test we took in early April was positive we were relieved. We could get off of the trying to get pregnant ride and get on the pregnancy ride. But life had a different plan. Now we wait three months and then we try again. But a positive pregnancy test will no longer spell relief it will bring with it’s own roller coaster of emotions and fears. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and so getting pregnant is a challenge and I have a greater risk for miscarriage. We knew this was a possibility but there is no way to prepare for the reality of it happening.
We decided to call the little we lost April, since we found out we were pregnant and that we had lost the pregnancy in April. We also decided she was a girl. While we know that she will never know pain or fear or sadness for which we can be grateful, we also mourn because we will never hear April laugh or see her smile. We will not get to watch her grow older with Peter. Nor will we get to identify the ways that she was more like mom or dad. We will not get to see the stubborn way she would have looked at us when we told her something she didn’t like or the feel of her arms around us for a hug. As someone told us, she will forever be a part of our family. The month of April will forever mean something different for our family.
In the midst of it all God has been with us. He has comforted us as we mourned, blessed us with friends and family who prayed for us,encouraged us, provided meals for us, and loved and supported us. He has reminded us of His promises. He is the God of rejoicing and also of sorrow. And so we continue to walk with Him and trust in Him for the future.