August is a difficult month for us. A year ago this time we were excited yet scared after finding out we were pregnant. We were excited because we wanted a second child; scared because we had already experienced one miscarriage and knew another one was possible. A short while later our worst fears were realized, we had another baby that we would always hold in our hearts but never in our arms.
The second miscarriage was harder for me to deal with. I had known that miscarriage would be a part of my story however after we had the first one I kept telling myself we wouldn’t have to go through two. But that was not our story. I will be honest I have always struggled with the mantra that “everything happens for a reason.” Now I struggle with it even more so, many times I have to bite my tongue when I hear that…sometimes I don’t. There is too much death, sickness, violence, drought, war, and poverty in the world around me for me to believe that everything happens for a reason. I do believe that reason or purpose can be found for the things we go through. For me there is a profound difference between the two. What I have experienced allows me to be more understanding and aware of what others around me are going through. It didn’t happen so that I could be more understanding but because it happened I can be.
The two miscarriages that we experienced and our not yet completely written adoption story changed the way I understood motherhood, pregnancy and adoption. I don’t believe God caused my miscarriages, that is the result of the broken world we live in and my PCOS. However I can testify to the fact that God has been always present with me on the journey. In the times of weeping from heartbreak, time of anger, times of hopelessness and fear, in the times of depression, and in the times of questions; He has been faithful. Not always with an answer or solution or a magic quick fix; but simply reminding me of His presence with me and His undying love for me. He has also been with me during the times of joy, of laughter, of happiness, and feeling fulfilled and hopeful. The world does not stop revolving; time does not stop; life continues on. Peter continues to grow and change; Joe and I continue to age (although not with quite as much grace and enthusiasm as Peter.) I have chosen to be open and honest about my journey with miscarriages and depression. Partly because it helped me to cope and partly because it helped give purpose to what had happened.
I don’t know what you are going through today; what things are keeping you up at night, weighing heavy on your heart, or keeping you from God. I don’t believe that everything happened or is happening for a reason. But I do believe that you can find purpose or reason in what happened or is happening. More than that I know there is a God that wants to be present with you and comfort you in the midst of the brokenness and the questions, if you will acknowledge Him and let Him.
Until next time: When biting your tongue to prevent from saying something you shouldn’t…don’t bite so hard that you actually bite into your tongue. It is painful and not nice.