Adoption and Loss

A statement Joe and I have been saying to each other some mornings is this:

“This is the day the Lord has made.” 

And the other responding “Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

Sometimes it took a few moments for the one responding to be able to truly say that they would rejoice and be glad in it.  

Our prayer of late has been simple; that God would give us the desires of our hearts and that He would continue to walk with us no matter what the journey holds.  

The months of December and January have not gone quite like we had dreamed or planned.  But we have clearly seen God at work in the midst of heartache and hard questions.  As many of you know during 2018 our family has been pursing adoption of an infant in the United States.  We found out at the beginning of November that we were matched with an expectant mom who was due at the end of December.  We began making plans to travel back to the US in December with the hopes of bringing our adopted son back to South Africa.  We were hopeful that we would have our second child through the miracle of adoption.  

That is not the story God had for us.  We learned our first match would not happen right before Christmas.  A week later we were matched again and found out on January 6^ththat the mother had chosen to parent her sweet baby boy.  We were heartbroken.  These days, there have been tears; tears of heartache, tears of sorrow, tears of anger, tears of frustration.  There have also been moments of normal and of laughter.  There have been wonderful memories made as a family in the midst of the grief.  Above all God has been with us through those tears and comforted us through the heartache and He has reminded us of the hope we have in Him.  

We are thankful we were with family to love on us and love on Peter as he didn’t fully understand everything going on.  We are thankful to the Church of the Nazarene and its leaders for their prayers, support and understanding.  

We have been in Orlando with Joe’s parents and will remain here until mid-February.  We are on a short list with our consultant group for any babies born between now and then.  We are open if it happens but we are also ok with going home and be thankful for Peter and the ministry we get to be a part of.  If God opens the doors and leads that way someday when we return to the states we will pursue fostering or fostering to adopt.  

We are taking time to heal, to create better/healthier habits in our physical, emotional and spiritual lives, to love on each other and on Peter, and to grieve. There are good days and bad days.  There are days when we want to return to South Africa and our lives there and there are days where I am not ready to close the door on infant adoption.  In the good and bad days God is with us and we have each other.  We have hugged and held each other a lot because sometimes there are no words.  We took a day away and Joe’s parents watched Peter. We talked, prayed, cried, slept in and leisurely wondered around (things not usually possible with an active and curious toddler.)  

Our faith is stronger because of the journey we have been on.  I don’t think this all happened so that our faith would be stronger, but as a result of what has happened we have been refined, changed and we are stronger. Someday we will sit across the desk from a doctor and be given a time line or an impossible choice, or we will receive another middle of the night phone call that there was an accident or an unexpected death of someone dear to us.   Knowing God has walked with us through this journey of miscarriages, secondary infertility, and failed adoption will reassure us as we face the next steps of the journey.  

Thank you for your love and support through the journey.  Thank you for the prayers at times even when you didn’t know why you were praying.  Please continue to pray for us and continue to love us.  

Until next time: Laugh when you can, cry when you need to, and look for blessings in the ordinary and extraordinary. 

Life Lately

August and September proved to be busy months and October will be as well.  In the midst of the busyness we have had wonderful time just as a family, with friends, in ministry and outside in God’s beautiful world.  

I will hit the highlights on each month’s activities since I have not done so well lately of posting a blog each week.  

August started off with a bang with the Women’s Extravaganza Event with close to 3000 ladies mostly from all over Southern Africa and some from all over the continent of Africa.  It was a wonderful weekend of fellowship, worship, preaching, and prayer.  We helped our South Field Literature Coordinate sell books to the ladies there.  The rest of August was spent catching up, preparing for the upcoming month and just getting readjusted to being back in South Africa.  At the end of the month we had the privilege of hosting our new Field Strategy Coordinator for a few days.  We were able to spend time with Dr Musa and his wife Prudence in fellowship, times of meeting, and also over meals.   Pray with us for Dr Musa as he settles into his role.  

In September we had another member join our team.  Rev Audrey Landers from the USA is with us for the next few months to a year.  She will be helping with various projects including the Young Adult Camp that we are having in December here in Jo’berg. We are blessed to have her with us and Peter is loving someone else to play with.  

We had the privilege of attending the Kei District Launch and Rally, in Bisho South Africa. Although the weather was very cold the hospitality and Christian testimony of the people warmed our hearts. We are excited to see what God is going to do through the people of the Kei District.  

The following week we had the opportunity of sharing about Alabaster in one of our local churches. It was a time to encourage people to take part in what God is doing around the world. 
In September we also hosted 5 new District Superintendents from throughout South Africa.  It was a wonderful time of learning together, talking through issues, training, fellowship and prayer.  We are praying with them as they continue to do what God is calling them to in their districts.  

Following this training was the Nazarene Men’s Conference where we once again helped sell books. This was a weekend event similar to the Women’s event.   There were about 300 men from all over the field that came together to learn, grow, pray and fellowship.  

We were able to share at the Western District Rally about the ministries of NYI, NMI, and SDMI.  It was a wonderful time of dreaming how we can reach others for Christ and plant churches in communities where we are not yet.  

The following week we had a fun day of being a part of a local church’s VBS program.  We shared from Daniel 3; the Fiery Furnace, and putting God First.  As I was telling the story I looked over and Peter was listening attentively which was fun to see.  

The next few weeks are full of preparing for upcoming assemblies, hosting guests that are coming in and the normal email and things of life.  In the midst of the busyness of life and ministry we will have times with friends, time as a family, times chilling at home and times out and about on adventures.  

Until next time:  When potty training your toddler be ready to talk about pooping, sing about pooping, and dealing more with pooping than you thought possible.  Thankfully I don’t remember dreaming about it. 

Not everything happens for a reason....

August is a difficult month for us.  A year ago this time we were excited yet scared after finding out we were pregnant.  We were excited because we wanted a second child; scared because we had already experienced one miscarriage and knew another one was possible.  A short while later our worst fears were realized, we had another baby that we would always hold in our hearts but never in our arms. 

The second miscarriage was harder for me to deal with.  I had known that miscarriage would be a part of my story however after we had the first one I kept telling myself we wouldn’t have to go through two.  But that was not our story.  I will be honest I have always struggled with the mantra that “everything happens for a reason.”  Now I struggle with it even more so, many times I have to bite my tongue when I hear that…sometimes I don’t.  There is too much death, sickness, violence, drought, war, and poverty in the world around me for me to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I do believe that reason or purpose can be found for the things we go through.   For me there is a profound difference between the two.  What I have experienced allows me to be more understanding and aware of what others around me are going through.  It didn’t happen so that I could be more understanding but because it happened I can be. 

The two miscarriages that we experienced and our not yet completely written adoption story changed the way I understood motherhood, pregnancy and adoption.  I don’t believe God caused my miscarriages, that is the result of the broken world we live in and my PCOS.  However I can testify to the fact that God has been always present with me on the journey.  In the times of weeping from heartbreak, time of anger, times of hopelessness and fear, in the times of depression, and in the times of questions; He has been faithful.  Not always with an answer or solution or a magic quick fix; but simply reminding me of His presence with me and His undying love for me.  He has also been with me during the times of joy, of laughter, of happiness, and feeling fulfilled and hopeful.  The world does not stop revolving; time does not stop; life continues on.  Peter continues to grow and change; Joe and I continue to age (although not with quite as much grace and enthusiasm as Peter.)  I have chosen to be open and honest about my journey with miscarriages and depression. Partly because it helped me to cope and partly because it helped give purpose to what had happened. 

I don’t know what you are going through today; what things are keeping you up at night, weighing heavy on your heart, or keeping you from God.  I don’t believe that everything happened or is happening for a reason.  But I do believe that you can find purpose or reason in what happened or is happening.  More than that I know there is a God that wants to be present with you and comfort you in the midst of the brokenness and the questions, if you will acknowledge Him and let Him. 

Until next time:  When biting your tongue to prevent from saying something you shouldn’t…don’t bite so hard that you actually bite into your tongue.  It is painful and not nice. 

Home

Home is an interesting word and concept. 

In the English language it can be a noun, adjective, adverb and a verb.  Today I want to home in (see what I did there) on the noun and adjective use of home. 

According to the oxford dictionary… Interesting side story I LOVE using the internet to look up words.  If I spell the word wrong it helps me figure out how to spell it correctly.  Growing up, whenever I would ask my mom how to spell a word she would instruct me to look it up in the dictionary.  To which I would respond either out loud or in my head to do that I need to know how to spell the word.  Needless to say there were a couple of times that I had to go through all the D’s to find the spelling of dyslexic.  Also it is a bit unkind to give a learning disability a difficult spelling, but I digress. 

According to the oxford dictionary home is: “the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.”  The other definition given that I like is: “a place where something flourishes, is most typically found, or from which it originates.”

During the past 17 weeks we have had a lot of “homes” or places from where we have originated for that day or couple of days. We have had places where we flourished and places where we simply laid our heads before getting back into the car.  We started the journey from our home in South Africa and ended there last Friday evening.  In between we had close to 30 “homes,” traveled over 11,000 miles/close to 18,000 kilometers, and spoke in 44 different services/conventions/gatherings.  It was a blessed time connecting with family friends, and others interested in what God is doing on the Africa South Field.  It was not always easy or fun but we really do count it a blessing that we got to spend as time with family, framily, and friends making memories and remembering memories from the past. 

As blessed as our time in the states was, there is just something about being in your own home that I can’t explain.  Being in our own bed, knowing where things are without asking, eating dinner at our table as a family, being able to put your feet up and chill without answering questions (well except for toddler questions J), are little things we take for granted until they are not part of your normal everyday life. It is so nice to get settled back into routines of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, doing dishes, exercising etc.  which may seem silly or trivial but over the last 17 weeks those things weren’t routine. 

While we were traveling, small talk about home was always a little awkward. 

Explaining where home is or trying to communicate the concept of having several homes is not always easy or understood.  When Peter is older it will be interesting how he navigates the “where is home” question.  We had some fun trying to explain to Peter that we were home and we were going to be staying here not moving on to the next place in a couple of days. 

Home – using the definition “a place where something flourishes, originates” means that we can have home in multiple places.  I can be at home in my town house in Jo’berg and in my good friends house in Kansas, I can be at home at a pastors house in Botswana or at a house church in North Carolina.  Home doesn’t have to be a set address on the one hand but on the other returning to the set address you call home is wonderful as well.

This week whether you are “home” or far away from home, you can create an environment wherever you are that those around you can flourish.  

Until next time: When your jetlagging toddler falls asleep sitting up while you are reading to him, maybe it is time to let him lay down for a little while even if it is only 5:30pm.